oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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