I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
