last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
