i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
