Got a toothbrush?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
