Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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