YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Randomize
