And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
