her facebook's as public as her vagina
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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