mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
