I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
