lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
