she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
