if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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