Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize