Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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