His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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