Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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