Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
