make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
