my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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