We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
