Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
