Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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