Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
