I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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