Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize