So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
