I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
