I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
