I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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