hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
