moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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