I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
