when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
