I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
