smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
