Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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