I got chris browned last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
