I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
