The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize