i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
