i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
