Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
