I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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