come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
why do cheetos always look like penises
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just had sex on a roof
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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