I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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