Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize