do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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