I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
