my room smells like sperm. sweet.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize