There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
