i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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