he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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