I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
