His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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