I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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