he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
