The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
