I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
