I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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